Monday, April 28, 2008

Oops, I did it again.

For the second time this month, I freaked out that something was wrong with the baby. I have been feeling pretty consistent movement for a couple of weeks now. From last night until this afternoon, I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. On top of this, I had some weird abdominal cramping last night that lasted for a few hours. So I completely, totally panicked. Called the doctor's office in tears, called Nate in tears, prepared for the worst.

And ultimately, everything was fine. Baby is totally fine, and the cramping was probably related to my intestines. So bottom line - baby fine, I have gas. GAS, people.

I know that a lot of people go through this experience and ultimately do not believe in God. That's not me - I came out of the experience dazed, confused, and believing that somehow, somewhere in there, God is still completely good. And I believe His hand is on this pregnancy. But I have a hard time being convinced that He & I have the same end goal. That it will turn out the way I want it to. And so it seems all too easy for me to fall into fear and reliving my last pregnancy, constantly assessing whether or not this baby is still alive.

Will I ever feel safe? Will I ever feel like everything actually might turn out okay this time? Or am I going to spend this entire pregnancy waiting for the other shoe to drop?


Aunt Becky said...

Without trying to be the slightest bit funny I can tell you without a doubt that I am *always* waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I mean it. And I'm sorry that you feel that way. It's highly stressful.

Mighty Morphin' Mama said...

Oh sweetie, unfortunately I know what you are going through. It is one thing to trust God and to know that he makes all things good. It is a whole other, to be human, in a human world full of pain and suffering, and know (first hand) that sometimes terrible awful things happen, even to God's people.
I pray that you will know some peace. I am feeling more and more peace as time passes, though the doubt and fear do creep in.
May you feel God's great big loving arms, holding you close, calming your fears and enveloping you in his love.

Jos said...

Sarah, we were so praising the Lord this evening when we heard that all is well! I think that part of the process is totally being real, being honest about what you are going through. And each time, seeing that God does have the same end goal. Be strengthened, Sarah, and keep looking for Him to show His faithfulness to you and to Baby. His hand IS on this pregnancy!

Kendra Lynn said...

God is always watching out for you and your family. You are His children, and He will not see His children forsaken.
Rest in His peace, trust in His greatness. Glad it was only are in my prayers.


linds said...

Yes and amen to Josie's comment! We are standing with you and there's no way we're going to let the other shoe drop... this baby is the Lord's and may you be strengthened by His love for you and your baby. Remember the prophetic words the Lord gave you and Nate for this baby? Think back to those. Declare them over your beautiful, growing little one. Rest in him and let him carry the load.
Praying for you!

Amy said...

So glad to hear that everything is ok with the baby. You and the baby will be in my prayers for sure.