Tuesday, June 27, 2006

It's funny...

It's funny how you think you know what you want, and when you get there, you're not sure anymore. I always thought that when Josh was a year old, I'd be ready to get pregnant again. And then his birthday came, and I wasn't. We had just committed to running a marathon, which meant not being pregnant until May. And then I decided to take Accutane. That was a difficult decision at the time because it meant another few months postponed, but I felt like it was worth it to hopefully cure my acne, which was horrific when I was pregnant with Josh. It was a bummer but I felt like I could wait just a few months.
So here we are at the threshold. We ran the marathon. I finished my Accutane. And tonight I took what should be my last birth control pill. And you know what? I'm afraid. Totally afraid. I suddenly feel like I'm not ready. I don't think I can do it.
Part of it is what almost every mom goes through. You love your one & only so much that you can't imagine having another one, and not having #1 be the total center of your universe. I know I know I know that you don't love them any less - you just love another one as much. But let's be honest - it's just not the same. They're not the center of your world anymore. They don't have you all to themselves. And they know that. I have a friend who I think is one of the best moms I've ever known - seriously. She's been a real inspiration to me - she definitely does parenting well. She has a gift. Her life totally revolved around her first son. And then #2 came along. Don't get me wrong - she still loves and cherishes and lavishes attention on him. But it's not the same. They have to share you. That's sad to me.
So that's part of it. I'm also still hanging on to pregnancy pounds that just refuse to go away. I have also not been committed to a diet for more than a week, so that doesn't surprise me. But the idea of continuing to add a few more pounds every baby totally freaks me out. I have visions of a 300 lb woman with a million kids running around. I want my jeans to fit again before I grow out of them again. If I'm going to yo-yo, then I want to at least hit the bottom again...
It's also just selfish. It's going to be hard. And we have to do a lot of work to get ready for #2. A couple more remodeling projects, and budgets and furniture shuffling and the actual logistics of sharing your house with another person. And I'm lazy...it's that simple.
When it's hypothetical it's pretty easy to be absolute. Yes, we'll start trying this summer. That seemed so definite and obvious just a few months ago. Even a week ago. But now I don't know.
I'm standing on the high dive, and I don't know whether I should jump, or shrink away and climb back down the ladder.

Friday, June 23, 2006

At long last...

Photos from Vancouver are here.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Poop story #2

This is actually probably poop story # 3 or 4. Maybe I'm obsessed with poop...actually I think given that I spend a good chunk of my day dealing with diapers, it has probably just become a central focus in my life. How sad.

So last week I made fun of my mom for letting Josh poop on the lawn. Today I let him poop on the living room floor. So maybe her strategy was better. Wait, let me explain.

He was fresh out of the tub, and we went into his room to get dressed. I set him on the floor and got a diaper. I turned around and he looked at me, grunted, said "poop" (and you have to imagine the voice here - he says "poo-ooo-oop" sort of sing-song and high-pitched like a girl). Then he ran away, and I looked down at a turd on the carpet. Thankfully, for once, it was solid, and I just picked it up and flushed it.

Maybe the lesson here is simply don't leave a child diaperless. That makes me question all the moms that are part of the diaper-free baby movement. I have to admit some measure of admiration - I certainly don't have the patience or endurance to have my child go the bathroom all over the house while they work their issues out. Even the occasional poop misstep is making me crazy. Hats off to you ladies, you are hard core!

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Bad parenting moment # 643 (My Saab Story)

Okay maybe not # 643, but they do seem to be frequent lately. This one though, is the worst so far.

So Josh has a new rock obsession. I don't mean leather-pants-eyeliner-long-teased-hair rock. I mean straight-up rocks. Stones, pebbles, boulders, doesn't matter. He loves them. Collects them everywhere we go, throws them, kicks them...rocks are his friends. They are now, however, my sworn enemies.

Yesterday, while I stood out front talking to my neighbor and her one year old son, Josh trolled around looking for rocks. He found one in her yard, and scratched the ENTIRE side of her new Saab with it. Not a little scratch - almost bumper-to-bumper...it looks like someone keyed it. It's bad. Really bad. So I've apologized - profusely - to both her and her husband. And they're taking it to a paint shop to find out how much it is so that we can pay for it.

So here's the executive summary:
1) I'm sometimes dumb and oblivious
2) Everytime I am, I pay for it dearly

So we're going to probably have to drop a grand (that we don't really have) to repaint the side of a car that was perfectly good before I went over there. And if I just paid better attention, the car would still be fine. If I put my foot down about rocks, the car would be fine. If I...if I...I can go on and on here. The bottom line is that it's not Josh's fault - he's 18 months old. He's not doing anything wrong on purpose. He was just chilling, playing with his stupid rocks. It's my fault - until he does understand, I should be helping him along. And I didn't. I feel like I let us both down. It just sucks. I know there will be a lot of these moments - I'm (gulp) not perfect, and I'm going to make a lot of mistakes. And Josh (double gulp) isn't perfect either, and he's going to make his own mistakes. I'm going to have to come to terms with this eventually.

For now, though, I'm just going to be sick over my negligence and the corresponding negative impact on my bank account.

Oh, mother...

So I'm told that once you're a mom, you understand your own mother more, and the crazy things that she did start to make sense.

For the record, that is not always the case. With my mom, it's actually OFTEN not the case. Take today for example...she came over after work to play with Josh in the sprinkler. He was wearing swim trunks w/ a vinyl liner, but no swim diaper. She goes "he's going to poop" and I say "In his trunks? How am I going to clean them?" She says, "He already went," then she proceeds to pull them down and shake them onto the lawn. Who in their right mind would shake a turd on the lawn?

Seriously: a TURD on my LAWN. Does that make sense to you? Oh, mom...

Friday, June 9, 2006


He pulled his shirt up all day to look @ Thomas and say "choo choo."

Isn't he starting to look old? I don't see a baby face in this picture at all...

I'm exhausted Mom!

Halfway through our walk, Josh laid down on the sidewalk and refused to get back up. A neighbor came out to see if he was okay - they must think I'm a total freak. Needless to say, we went home for a nap. I guess he does eventually wear out!

Wednesday, June 7, 2006

Sprinkler time

It has been in the 80s here over the past few weeks. We've spent a lot of time in the sprinkler.

18 months old...

Well, he's done it again. My giant boy was in the 90th percentile across the board. Here are his vitals from our 18 month checkup:
- Weight: 29 lbs, 10 oz
- Height: 34 inches
- Head circumference: 19.5 inches

He's the size of a two year old! That's all Ross - I'm told they were generally OFF the charts. I suspect he may grow up to be 6'4" like his daddy.

Thursday, June 1, 2006


If you read Jeremy's post on Pajamazzon.com, then you know it's inevitable that every parent gives in and watches the Wiggles. I'm embarassed to admit it, but Nate & I do it too. We've learned most of the songs and I often find myself absentmindedly singing them. And I must admit we have a favorite background dancer too. Ben Murray is amazing...he's VERY flamboyant and is more than a little animated with his head-bopping.

Here's his creepy fansite.