Tuesday, June 27, 2006

It's funny...

It's funny how you think you know what you want, and when you get there, you're not sure anymore. I always thought that when Josh was a year old, I'd be ready to get pregnant again. And then his birthday came, and I wasn't. We had just committed to running a marathon, which meant not being pregnant until May. And then I decided to take Accutane. That was a difficult decision at the time because it meant another few months postponed, but I felt like it was worth it to hopefully cure my acne, which was horrific when I was pregnant with Josh. It was a bummer but I felt like I could wait just a few months.
So here we are at the threshold. We ran the marathon. I finished my Accutane. And tonight I took what should be my last birth control pill. And you know what? I'm afraid. Totally afraid. I suddenly feel like I'm not ready. I don't think I can do it.
Part of it is what almost every mom goes through. You love your one & only so much that you can't imagine having another one, and not having #1 be the total center of your universe. I know I know I know that you don't love them any less - you just love another one as much. But let's be honest - it's just not the same. They're not the center of your world anymore. They don't have you all to themselves. And they know that. I have a friend who I think is one of the best moms I've ever known - seriously. She's been a real inspiration to me - she definitely does parenting well. She has a gift. Her life totally revolved around her first son. And then #2 came along. Don't get me wrong - she still loves and cherishes and lavishes attention on him. But it's not the same. They have to share you. That's sad to me.
So that's part of it. I'm also still hanging on to pregnancy pounds that just refuse to go away. I have also not been committed to a diet for more than a week, so that doesn't surprise me. But the idea of continuing to add a few more pounds every baby totally freaks me out. I have visions of a 300 lb woman with a million kids running around. I want my jeans to fit again before I grow out of them again. If I'm going to yo-yo, then I want to at least hit the bottom again...
It's also just selfish. It's going to be hard. And we have to do a lot of work to get ready for #2. A couple more remodeling projects, and budgets and furniture shuffling and the actual logistics of sharing your house with another person. And I'm lazy...it's that simple.
When it's hypothetical it's pretty easy to be absolute. Yes, we'll start trying this summer. That seemed so definite and obvious just a few months ago. Even a week ago. But now I don't know.
I'm standing on the high dive, and I don't know whether I should jump, or shrink away and climb back down the ladder.

3 comments:

ngrish said...

How did you know that you were ready the first time? I know that they say thay you are never ready... but you had to feel some internal feeling? Right? If you are not ready, then what is the rush? seriously....

I don't know I don't have babies yet, I I won't for another couple of years, so what do I know. :) Good luch ;)

meagan said...

with baby number one... the time comes when you realize that life would just be better with a little manifestation of your love, but you're still totally scared because it's the unknown.

and then when you start getting comfortable with the idea of number two and you get even more scared because it means less time, more stress, less money and more headaches.

and then you just suck it up and decide it's the right time.

even though you're still scared.

Jeremy said...

I'll admit, I'm scared of #2. I don't think I'm going to worry about being a good parent or messing them up or anything like that, I've been there and done that. And I honestly think I'll love them as much as #1.

I guess what I'm afraid of is comparing #2 to #1, when really, they are most likely going to be two completely different little people who will continue to surprise me.

Of course, there is also the inevitable financial aspect of it, being able to afford 2 kids. I'm sure we'll find a way to manage, but it scares me.

In the end, however, I'll look back and tell myself that it was worth it. I'm sure of it.