Wednesday, March 19, 2008

It's so strange

I used to be a big fan of offensive jokes...namely Helen Keller and dead baby jokes. Totally offensive, politically incorrect, completely inappropriate. Not quite so offensive as the joke that Paul Provenza and friends all tell in The Aristocrats (what was that anyway? I swear I saw the movie and never quite got it.) But for my small town, Catholic brain, sufficiently offensive to make it entertaining.

But then I had a dead baby. I don't think I've ever written it out like that because it seems so crass. But I was reading this blog this morning and she uses that expression over and over. At first it really bothered me - I felt like "what the hell is wrong with you, why are you so offensive about it?"

But you know what? In my head, that's what I always call it. I don't ever say it out loud because it is offensive. But if we're all being honest, that's what happened, and that's the difference between you and me. There are the moms who had live babies (and I'm one of those too) and the moms who had dead babies. And I don't think you really get it until you're in that club. I thought I could sufficiently empathize when I heard of it happening to other people. I had no idea.

So needless to say, I don't tell the jokes anymore. And to be honest, the further we've gotten from losing Isabel, the less I've talked about it. Not because I've healed, although in many ways I have. More because it seems like old news - like how can I just keep dwelling on it, talking about it, thinking about it, processing it...but I am still in the thick of it. It's not as intense, not always as fresh, not always a paralyzing part of my day like it was. But it's still there. And I think it'll always be there. It's sort of like a scar - a permanent reminder that may no longer be an open wound, but has forever changed what I look like.

7 comments:

Nicol said...

Sarah, You are right, you will never go away. It will just slowly get easier. Easier to think about. Easier to talk about. Isabel will always be a part your lives. You are also right. No one that does not belong to that club will ever fully understand. But they can be good listeners when you need to vent. I think about you all the time, and I am glad that you were able to post about it.

daedra said...

I think apart of what makes people become good friends is that they are all in different "clubs" so to speak and they help each other in the diffucult situations that life throws at them. Even if you're in a club with another person there is still a slight difference in the way it happened to each of you (i.e. you and Keri) but you are still able to help each other out in a major way. I love the way we're all kind of the same and a lot different at the same time.

Jos said...

Sarah, *hugs* I love to hear your heart and your mind. I echo Nicol, your good friends that may not belong in that club can still be good listeners, and send up prayers for you. It is good to hear about where you are...

Anonymous said...

wow - thanks for the link to the other blog, and taking such the step on yours. it's awful being stuck in a club such as this, but good to hear people actually talking about it who have gone through it.

Sarah said...

If you're looking for others, I've rabbit-trailed my way to this blog directory - all of the women have lost a baby either during pregnancy or shortly after birth:
http://babylossdirectory.blogspot.com/

k@lakly said...

Hi Sarah,
Thanks for posting over at my place and for linking to me here at your place too. I know the "dead baby" mantra is horrible, I hated it too, at first. Then it began to feel, at least here in Blogsville, like it brought some sense of normal back to what had become my completely out of control world. I found all of the other dead baby mama's and we could say it with out the 'look' you would get in the outside world, the scraping fingernails on a chalkboard look you get when you bring up your dead baby to those not in the club. So now it feels healing to me,to get it out, to say it over and over, "I have a dead baby", it doesn't make it hurt less but it does help make me feel less like I'm hiding from the cold hard truth of being a member of this awful club, a club filled with amazing, wonderful women with broken hearts.
I am so sorry you had to join, that you lost your beautiful Isabel. I hope writing about her and the loss of her helps your broken heart, even if it's just a little bit.
P.S. Glad to hear about your "positive' development, it must be terrifying and thrilling, I'll be keeping everything crossed for you for a healthy, happy baby and at least a few moments when you can enjoy thie pregnancy but I totally get why you can't. Keep me posted:)

Becky said...

As I get older and have more experiences, I find myself finding stuff that I previously found hilarious slightly off-putting. It makes sense to me.