Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Drumroll please...

I'm 16 weeks pregnant. I haven't really talked about that. If you've seen me in person, you probably know by now - or you think I've been hitting the Twinkies way too hard. If you haven't seen me, I haven't broadcasted. At Easter, my uncle really challenged me - said "Why would you keep it a secret? You need to tell us right away!" I really struggled for a response...I couldn't come up with much better than a stuttering, "but last time..."

Last week the owners of Josh's swim school also announced that they were pregnant. My first response was totally from the gut - a panicked "You can't tell people yet!" despite the fact that they're 15 weeks pregnant and pretty much everyone thinks it's safe at that point.

Everyone except me. I'm struggling along here with no safety net - no sense of when it will definitely be okay. I have even felt the baby moving for a week now and it doesn't offer much relief - instead I'm focused on the times when I don't feel the baby move. I hold my breath every month at the doctor when they try to find the heartbeat, and I scheduled my ultrasound for the absolute latest possible day because it scares the absolute crap out of me.

It's kind of ridiculous, understandable I know, and more than a little bit sad. I read a book recently where they talked about a loss of innocence that occurs after your baby dies. I really miss that innocence - feeling like everything is okay, and your baby will be fine because the chances are so slim of any other outcome...until I was in the 0.125%. And then the statistics - not so helpful. All of the sudded 1/8 of a percentage point is a huge gaping hole with the potential to totally gut you.

So for now, I'm better than I was last month, and hopefully that trend will continue. I'm actually finding other moms in the dead baby club quite helpful...I sit on Google Reader in the morning and plod through. I find it cathartic to hear that others are emotional, pissed off, angry, happy, healing, bitter, etc...it somehow validates the roller coaster of emotions I'm feeling.

So there you go - I guess I'm officially out of the closet.

13 comments:

Ange said...

Welcome out of the closet...
So glad you are sharing your angst with us...better out than in. Hope to join you in the fat club soon...but thinking of you still.

meagan said...

oh god- my sister is out of the closet and there are no twinkies left? where the hell were you hiding... in my pantry????

breathe a sign of relief, sarah. it's been a long journey, and there is still a long road ahead of you, but you will make it. you always do. we are so happy for you and the bat.

Nicol said...

:-)
YEAH!!
I am so happy for you and Nate!

Jeremy said...

Congrats to you and Nate (and to a lesser extent Josh, because he had nothing to do with it, but he WILL be a big brother)!!!

I know it will be difficult, but you've definitely got the support of your family, your friends and BRAWNDO: THE THIRST MUTILATOR.

However, I do fell for ya because being pregnant over the summer will totally suck. Just ask Aimee. I'm still recovering from that. But other than that, we're all really happy for ya!

P.S.

If it's a boy, will you name him Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho Ross?

Sarah said...

Maybe I'll have to borrow Aimee's muumuu. No, I can't do it - I'm sorry, I don't care how pregnant you are, that thing just was god-awful ugly. Sorry Aimee but it's true.

Jeremy said...

ugh.

She made me delete every single photo where she was wearing that.

I don't think she still has it - I think we sent it to the Hurricane Katrina survivors as a makeshift tent.

Brittan said...

WHAT!!!!!! Oh, that is so exciting!!!!!! And listen, the bible says 365 times "DO NOT FEAR"! (I heard that somewhere, I should probably check my references, haha!)

Anyway, we will be praying for you to have peace, because it's all going to be fine. Start speaking it!

CONGRATULATIONS! We are 1 week apart! What's your due date?

Sarah said...

Sept 9 - exactly one week behind you.

Becky said...

Congrats, Sarah, seriously, congrats!

And I don't blame you in the slightest for being hesitant to tell people about this pregnancy. I'd imagine that you're suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (I know that I was with my last pregnancy).

I'm adding you to my blog, because I heart you.

Amy said...

Congratulations, and thank you so very much for your donation to my walk. It is very much appreciated. I am looking forward to reading more of your blog (and if you don't mind I'm going to add you to my blogroll)

Lolo said...

Sarah,

Congratulations, I couldn't be happier for you and Nate and Joshua.
I can't imagine the roller coaster of emotions you must be feeling, but it's good you are able to come out and blog, it's probably helpful to get those emotions written down, even if you never hit "publish".
I know in my heart all will go well and will be just fine. In the mean time, hang in there, we're thinking of you guys!
xo,
Lauren

R said...

yea! we are so excited!

Mighty Morphin' Mama said...

Boy do I feel like I can relate to how you are feeling. I had a dead baby at 21 weeks born almost 6 years ago. I have had 2 healthy children since and I am still freaking out this time. I am 17 weeks (so I guess we are due around the same time) and even seeing the ultrasound the other day didn't reassure me. Even the little flutters in my belly have not eased my anxiety. I don't talk about it much, which is unusual for me.I am not sure why it is so bad this time.
I will be thinking of you and hoping you have some peace during these hopeful months.
(found you at Aunt Becky's:)