Thursday, October 16, 2008

Post #334: In Which I Openly Acknowledge My Denial.

Yesterday was National Stillbirth & Infant Loss Awareness Day. All the deadbaby mamas posted about it, and asked people to light a candle at 7pm. The lovely Aunt Becky even listed the losses she knew so we could see each other and remember.

And what did I do? I stuck my head in the sand. I didn't want to think about it. But late last night as I lay in bed, it crept up. And I remember.

Last week I looked at Sadie and caught a glance of Isabel for the first time. The shape of her small open mouth, her deep-set, almond-shaped eyes, the pug nose. I looked at Sadie and saw her sister. And then it felt very real all over again.

See, I've been able to push it all down since I crossed the bridge and had a living baby. And here it all was back again. So let me openly acknowledge that forever, I will be one of them - a deadbaby mama in the deadbaby club. And pretending that I don't see it or remember will not make it go away.

Isabel Grace was born on Sunday, July 29th 2007 at 10:14 am. She was 8.5 inches long and weighed 7 ounces. We wanted her, loved her, and very much miss her.

I remember you, Isabel. And I always will.

12 comments:

meagan said...

I'm sorry, Sarah. It's something that I will never truly understand, but will always support you in.

I still think about Isabel a lot, too. And I'm sure that I always will as well.

Aunt Becky said...

*hugs*

I'm so, so sorry, my friend.

Lolo said...

Sarah, I'm so sorry, I didn't know that yesterday was National Stillbirth & Infant loss Awareness Day. It must be so difficult, I can't even begin to truly understand. Know that I think about your experience and Isabel and the impact it must have on the lives of everyone. I respect your perserverence greatly and you have all of my support in whatever you need to travel forward. Lots of warm hugs and love to you. xoxox

Katie Marie said...

I love you sweetie, I'm here if you need anything

Sarah said...

Kate - It's hard to take you seriously with your finger up your nose :)

I heard about Ruby - I'm sorry.

k@lakly said...

Sometimes you just have to let it be too. It's ok.
Thinking of you and your Isabel.
xxoo

Mighty Morphin' Mama said...

We remember her too, sweet Sarah.

Kendra Lynn said...

Hugs and prayers.

Kendra

Mom said...

boy, did that make me cry. i think of my grandaughter so much, also and will always remember her and always feel your pain. one of those things you remember where you are and what you were doing when you got the final word. i love you. mom

meagan said...

mom has a blogger account???

Jos said...

hugs sarah... i think of isabel too.... I'm so sorry...

niobe said...

I live on Planet Denial. And I kind of like the weather there.

Thinking of you and Isabel.