Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Justice, Joy & Psalms

So yesterday, I breezily asked my sister about her sister-in-law, who is pregnant with her second child. I said "So how's Lindsay? Does she know what she's having?" and my sister replied that it was a girl. Casual, breezy, and the conversation moved on...

Until midnight, when I started crying and could not for the life of me get it back under control. I was totally overcome with anger - not at Lindsay, but more at what she represents...what I should have been. I was supposed to be having a girl in December, just a couple of weeks before Lindsay. I just have these moments where I am so totally pissed off about what happened, and the fact that it happened to ME, and how totally unfair it all is.

I was talking to a good friend about her miscarriage many years ago. She told me that a friend of hers was pregnant at the same time, and that for years, when she looked at the friend's little girl, she felt a pang of what might have been. I can so relate to that...I know a couple of people due within a couple of weeks of me, and even dumb Nicole Ritchie. I look at them and think about what might have been, where I might be, where the baby would be...I just want what I lost, and I'm grieving.

Several people recommended reading Psalms. I was just looking back at what I've read, and I have consistently underlined David's down moments - the "help me, why have you abandoned me?" verses where he cries out to God.

Psalm 40:1 from the Message translation: I waiting and waited and waited for God. At last he looked, finally he listened.

It's hard for me to reconcile what happened in the context of faith. I really, truly believe that God is completely good in the midst of everything bad that happened to us. And I really truly believe that God loves us. I am trying to just hang onto that, despite the "why?" that constantly nags me...but I am continuing to ask God "why?" at the same time.

He gets angry once in a while, but across a lifetime there is only love. The nights of crying your eyes out give way to days of laughter. (Also Message, Psalm 30:5)

So that's what I'm hanging onto...days of laughter, here I come.


Nicol said...

Sarah, I think that it is great that you are openly writing about your feelings. I hope that in that it help in it's own little way. You have no idea how bad I feel for you. No, I have not walked in your shoes,but I always think about the people that I know that have. This includes my mom. She lost a baby in the early 70's, and then lost her eldest, my sister Heather, 3 years ago,this past Sunday. I can't imagine the hurt that you feel. I can see it in my mom's eyes. I am sure that it is the same for you. I guess what I getting at is this. As hard as it is, the "why" game is the worst thing to do. You will drive yourself crazy. You have a strong faith in God. Trust him. I have a hard time believing this myself, since Heather died, but I do believe that God does have a plan for us. There is a lesson to be learned and a reason behind it. We just don't see it thru hurt eyes. I pray that God will give you the strength to heal, but not forget. I pray that you will one day be able to move on. It will be a long road, but you can do it!

Brittan said...

we are still praying for you!