***Update - we ultimately did decide to get her a dedicated niche. They will letter it and them move her sometime in the next week or two. I feel relieved - I don't know that I'm ever going to go there, look at it, whatever, but it feels much better.***
So I've been generally upbeat but here's a rather depressing post. Sorry - skip it if you're not in the mood - it will not offend me.
I stopped by Roseland Park Cemetery on Monday to see if Isabel was there yet. I couldn't find a July 2007 box - but they had August & September. So I called their office and they said it went by cremation date, not date of death. That feels really wrong to me - callous or something - to just stick her in a box with about a dozen other babies based on when they cremated her.
I've really struggled all along with how much significance to attach to what happened. It started in the hospital - do we name her, do we talk about her, do we bury her, do we have a service...
In the end, we did name her. But if I'm being totally honest, I almost never use her name when we talk about it - I guess it makes it too important, too real, too much for me. But now I'm confronted with a decision that's tearing me up - do I leave her where she is, in the September box, or do we pay for her to be in her own box, with her name carved in granite for all the world to see, and for all eternity? The idea of a permanent memorial is very intimidating to me. I don't want to be one of those people that obsesses, dwells, fixates, mourns too long/too much, or whatever. But I don't want to brush it aside like it was nothing. I am so conflicted.
What would you do?
Thursday, October 18, 2007
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6 comments:
I'd move her if it bothered me as much as it appears to bother you. Listen to yourself and you will know the answer.
Does it really cost that much?
Follow your heart.
My mom had a miscarriage 30+ years ago, and to this day, I still carry in my memory the name of the brother I never had.
Sarah, don't doubt your heart or try to rationalize yourself out of what is in your heart to do. It sounds like it may help your heart to put Isabel in her own box, it may the next step for healing your heart. Praying for you.
I think if someone has gone through what you've gone through, she should do whatever she'd like about it. You could deny yourself something (extended or "elaborate" grieving, for example) for the sake of the chance to invent something else,(the image or "proof" that you are moving on). But that trick only sticks for some things, some of the time. And you know if this is one of those things and times. Only you know.
I just wanted to say thank you for blogging about this. I went through a similar experience about 5 weeks after your family, and am slowly coping. I've ended up here by following blog links of a friend of a friend, and have greatly appreciated how brave you are in writing about your experience. My thoughts are with you. Thanks
Anonymous -
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. If you'd ever like to talk more, email me - sarah.j.ross@gmail.com
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